Within the past week I have witnessed two people confessing their love for one another and making the committement to spend the rest of their lives together.
I have also been in the presence of new life. Babies are a marvoulous creation from God.
Both of these events have brought my two largest fears to the surface.
Being alone
and
Failure
I want nothing more than to be a loving wife and a mother.
If I am alone the rest of my life I have failed at being a wife (obviously) and I have failed at being a mother.
I fear that because these two things are such a desire of my heart I will never become a wife thus I will never become a mother.
Somedays I fear I won't be able to have children and will never fully understand the joys of being a mommy.
It's strange to think that I wanted to be married by the age of twenty and here I am almost twenty-four.
Life sure is funny.
I've never had very good luck with guys
I always find some way to mess up whatever is there.
No matter how little
I guess deep down I'm scared.
Scared out of my mind to be exact.
I don't want to end up like my parents.
Divorced.
I have just recently come to the conclusion that I am worth being pursued.
For the past nine years I've always thought I was the one who had to do the pursuing.
I always wondered how the guys was supposed to know I liked him if I didn't tell him or have my friend tell him or make it more than obvious.
It's about this time that I usually start messing up anything good in the relationship
For the past five years I allowed myself to think I wasn't worth being pursued.
That it was perfectly fine for the guy to take his sweet sweet time deciding what he wanted.
In the past five years I have in some way contributed to the ending of the last three relationships I have been in.
I've only ever thought I could marry one person. I mean I've thought a lot of times I could probably marry that person.
But it is just recently that I've realized there is only one person that I really ever truly thought I could marry.
And believe it or not I have messed that relationship up too. (or lack of relationship I should say).
For the longest time I used to blame it all on my weight.
The reason I was single and that guys didn't like me was because I wasn't attractive because I was overweight.
And now somedays I wish that were the case. But I realized a month ago that wasn't the case.
It was safer for me to blame my weight than to step back and look at myself or at the guys I was dating.
Somedays it just doesn't make sense to me.
Somedays I get sick to my stomach watching others who are in love.
Somedays I wish I wasn't as nice.
Or that I didn't like helping people.
Or that my heart wasn't this big for other.
Or that I didn't care as much as I do.
But that's the way God has programmed my heart.
I love people
I want to help people
I'm a hopeless romantic
I want to be a mommy
I wear my heart on my sleeve
I'm emotional
I care
Why is it that somedays I feel like I am more than enough but at the same time I will never be enough.
I fear that I will never get married and know the joy of marriage and family and that scares me more that I could ever express to you.
I have decided to stick to my heart and wait for someone who will pursue me.
Because that is what I deserve.
Right?
